music review: We Are Scientists

Who is behind all of the nostalgia for the 1980’s anyway? A Hall and Oats redux sprinkled with irony, humor, and post- something or other is still a Hall and Oats redux. Ask yourselves, who gains from this subversive campaign that makes us subconsciously long for trickle down economics, an orgy of Wall Street profits, and the all out war on liberalism waged by a religious revival, a conservative revival, and a Reagan Revolution under the command of Col. Oliver North? Who gains?

band- WE ARE SCIENTISTS

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TOP SECRET. Full Text of HR 8791: The Homeland Terrorism Preparedness Bill.

by Gerard Buchanon
Although I earn my bread and butter writing celebrity profiles, I came by text of the following top-secret document, and felt duty bound to share it. In January, Rep. John Haller (R-PA) introduced a bill (HR 8781) The Homeland Terrorism Preparedness Bill that will allocate (classified) dollars over the next (classified) years to fight flesh eating (classified).

What follows is the full text, provided to me by an anonymous source within Rep. Haller’s office. The text in RED represents text that was not read into the record on the floor of the house when this bill was introduced- and passed- on January 16, 2008. Watch the video, and then jump below to read the full text, published for the first time here, at the cock and the bull.

HR 8791: The Homeland Terrorism Preparedness Bill

Said bill requests emergency response funding up to and including 1.6 trillion dollars to prepare for a national level terrorist attack and/or attack from Alien life forms, including, but not limited to a species unknown outside of some small circles of the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), specifically the top secret sub division known as Office of Cloned and engineered military life forms for defending America, Israel, and winning the battle of Armageddon (CAEMLFFDAIAWTBOA), whose most recent creation is life form code named the “Helens of Troy” (HOT). The HOT species was created using advanced Stem cell harvesting and cloning techniques and combined the genetic DNA from the following three pools:
1. ) Extraterrestrial life forms captured by the CIA
2. ) Bone marrow from the mummified remains of what is generally accepted to be – amongst high ranking intelligence officials- the Queen of the lost city of Atlantis
3.) Tom Cruise
The resulting species averages 11 feet tall, 430 pounds, and can sprint at speeds up to 65mph. The female of the species can reproduce at an alarming rate, requiring a gestation period of only 72 hours and often delivering 6-8 offspring at a time, although studies have shown that she turns cold if taken for granted by the male HOT’s. Both males and females have the ability to shoot a greenish liquid from their index finger, accurate up to 300 yards, that causes necrotizing fasciitis in humans. IT was because of this feature and others that HOT was considered to be the next generation of Marines. Tragically, the leader of HOT has recently become passionate about the Arab-Israeli conflict, and taken a hard line, pro Palestinian stance. Ironic, given the development of this top secret fighting species was made with American ingenuity and funded, in large part, by the American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC). CIA believes the Pro Palestinian stance is attributable to a security breech in the team of scientists who created and programmed the species.

Containing HOT for much longer seems unlikely.

Funding for first responder personnel and vehicles would be doubled if said attack leads to more than 80% of national population being affected by necrotizing fasciitis, aka gangrene. The most likely side effects of the disease, which could be inflicted on humans by HOT, are loss of limb, death, and/or erections lasting more than four hours. In the case of this latter, individuals should seek immediate medical attention. This funding shall commence with in conjunction with the first attack on Israel or the first large scale outbreak of Pro Palestinian sentiment among the United States population dependant upon which comes first.

Civilian and military units shall be trained in containment and combat of yet another experimental species created under the auspices of the (CAEMLFFDAIAWTBOA) including, but not limited to, Suddenly Ambulatory Triceratops Acting Nefariously (SATAN). These SATAN’s have been irradiated using the latest gamma techniques and are extremely dangerous when not properly controlled from CAEMLFFDAIAWTBOA’s control center. Unfortunately, SATAN has also been exposed and lobbied to pro Palestinian propaganda, and is quickly falling out of CAEMLFFDAIAWTBOA’s control. They have multiple attack capabilities, including “breathing fire”, with possibility of ESP. Additionally, they can release airborne Dianetics flesh eating laptop computers and other consumer products and/or all of the above. In such event of SATAN spewing Dianetics escape are released or otherwise become uncontrollable, Air Force units may also be directed to combat said SATAN and/ or HOT due to their enormous size and otherworldly strengths.

Should event occur in urban areas the United States population will face a sudden threat of rapid extinction far surpassing our darkest nightmares. Should causalities exceed 90% body disposal actions shall be halted and associated resources shall be reallocated to our “Ultimate Congressional Hideaways" underground which have been equipped by CAEMLFFDAIAWTBOA to deal with such a threat to human life with protected birthing centers.

A new bill of rights shall be drafted and approved by Tom Cruise.

Having now reviewed the bill, I ask to please cast your votes.

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Tha Florence Joe Diaries: This Here's Ma Privates

Ah jes' cain't says it enough. This here's ma diary an' these is ma privates, so don' you go tellin' no one wha' ah's gonna tell you, else ah's gonna come ta you's house, drink you's 'quila an' fuck you's husband. (Do you hear me, Jina Paige?)

Las' night ah tol' Ray Jean ta' watch Avery Ron whiles ah went ta gets we's milk an' Huggies. Ah only had two dollars, so ah took ma change jar on o'er ta tha Wal Mart. Ah know ah said ah ain't goin' there no more, but they's prices is so low an' ah knowed Shirlene was off she's shift an' ah thought maybe iffin' Hal was there he might give me a coupla dollars. 'Sides, ah don' think nobody's gonna take tha' dang 'straining order seriously no how.

Ah walked inta tha supercenter right 'bout 11 o'clock an' headed mahself on o'er to tha diapers. Ah foun' me a 'lil package fer $3.29 an' then got me a gallon a milk an' was headin' ta tha regster when ah passed tha panty part a tha store an' saw tha cutest 'lil cow print thong you ever did see! Ah 'cided ta try it on, so's ah went on past tha lady guard inta tha dressin' room. She tol' me ah couldn't take mah's merchandise in there, but she said she could hold it fer me.

A course, it fit me jes' right an' ah jes' had ta have it fer work tha next day. Ah knew it'd get me some extra tips from them rich cowboys visitin' from they's ranch in Crawford ta get they's blowjobs; ah needs tha money, ya know. Mamma tol' me tha' 'cause ma homeland security number is big, like a milllion, ah ain' gettin' ma check 'til July. Tha's tha only thing 'bout them rich coyboys; they's full a they's cocks an' they's bull like they knows tha Prez'nent or somethin'. They tol' me ah would get it in May.

Ah put ma old thong on tha coat hanger an' put ma low-cut Wranglers back on o'er ma new thong an' walked on out. Tha security guard was pretty an' she smiled a' me an' gave me ma milk an' ma Huggies an' then ah went ta pay fer ma stuff. Tha checkout guy was real cute-like an' didn't even make me go to tha Coinstar ta cash in ma coin jar. He jes' said ah hadta count tha coins mahself. Ah knowed he was touchin' he's self an' lookin' at ma ass while ah was standin' there. It was kinda cute. An when ah gots ta $7.45 an' was still short, he even covered tha 23 cents.

As ah was all walking out tha door, alls of a sudden tha' lady security guard walks up an' says I should come wit' her to she's office. Ah go there an' there's tha' cute cashier guy jes' sittin' there. She says ta me she knowed ah stole that cute thong, an' ah 'jes started ta cry. Ah tol' them ah was sorry an' ah would give it back. I begged her not ta call tha police on account a tha' 'strainin' order; ah'd have ta go ta jail 'gain. She tol' me jes' ta calm down an' sit down on she's couch. She said we could work it out jes' fine. When they got quiet, ah started ta get worried. But when tha two a them started they's whisperin' an' then they's kissin', ah knowed things was gonna be 'jes fine.

Ah opened ma pants, an' ah asked 'em iffin' ma new cow print thong made ma ass look fat. Tha cashier came o'er ta look closer an' ah tol' him ta go ahead an' slap ma ass 'cause ah knowed tha's wha' he wanted ta do. Ah opened he's pants an' touched he's hard cock. It were a sweet one. Now, this here's where things started ta get weird. Tha' lady officer came o'er an asked iffin' she could kiss me. Now, ah done threeways plenty a times, but ah ain't no thespian, so's ah was nervous as a preacher in whorehouse next door to he's wife's Canasta club. She were pretty an' ah toldt her it were okay. It's really weird, but it were jes' like kissin' a guy, so's ah got into it.

While ah was kissin tha lady security guard, tha cashier pulled o'er ma cowprint thong tha' was real wet-like an' started ta lick me like Fred Ricky do. Carl Wayne don' ne'er do tha'. Ah sat down on tha couch an' swallowed tha cashiers cock real sweet-like. After he grabbed ma hair an' fucked ma mouth fer a while, he tol' me ta lay down on tha couch. Ah tol' him ta get he's sweet cock back inta ma mouth an' was gettin' all ready ta fuck him when alls of a sudden ah start ta feel tha' lady's tongue on ma privates. Dear sweet Zombie Jesus, ah ain' never felt nothin' sweeter and e'en though ah knewdt it were a sin, it felt so good tha' ah let her keep goin'. She were so good at bein' down on me ah couldn't e'en wait for ma fuckin'. 'Bout tha same time tha cashier were sqirtin' he's man-goo on mah face, ah was tingling all o'er, e'en in mah toes.

After ah put on ma new thong an' mah pants, an' said my g'byes, ah got ma milk an' Huggies an' went on out tha door. Ah saw Hal was talkin' to a cop out by tha reg'sters. He was smilin' real big-like an' ah went on o'er ta say hi to 'em an' he up an' tol' tha officer tha' I weren't s'posed ta be on tha premises on account of ma 'strainin' order. When ah ran out tha door, ah heared tha 'larm sound. but ah made it ta Fred Ricky's truck 'jes in time ta' get 'way. Ah drove 'roun' to tha back a Jina Page's place. She opened tha door an' ah rushed on in. She asked me wha' were wrong. Ah noticed she was lookin' extra pretty las' night and ah tol' her, "Alright, ah's gonna tell ya somethin' iffin' ya don' go tellin' no one. This here's ma privates."

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SPIN ROOM-BAGHDAD GREEN ZONE HOLDS REAL ESTATE BARGINS

by Dennis Trainor, Jr

Baghdad will soon be home to luxury hotels, a shopping center, condos, and even an amusement park. This, according to Navy Capt. Thomas Karnowski, who headed up team that created the development plan with the support of the Pentagon and some high flying international real estate investors.

In a new twist on “Green Building”, much of the new construction is to employ reusable materials. For instance,  the bones of many of the estimated 1.3 million Iraqi civilians killed since the U.S. Invasion will become part of the building materials for the project. Bones would be crushed into compoisite materials and be used to a wide array of functions, from furnishing counters in high end retail shops, sinks in a Starbucks, or a headboard in Heidi Klum's new real estate brand, the Baghdad Brothel, where one can rent by the hour.

Gary Bauer, the CEO of the Los Angles based equities firm, C3, defended the unorthodox building materials usage. “Part of environmental sustainability includes new thinking on how we re-use materials in construction. The first phase of our $500 million project, a skateboard park, is set to open this summer. The half pipe is constructed with a high-density polyethylene construction which was enhanced with the crushed bones of an estimated 63-thousand dead Iraqis.”

A Pentagon spokesperson said skateboarding was the perfect sport for Iraqi youth. “These kids are angry, and want to rebel. We can sell them the image of rebellion. It is much better than that whole Islamo-fascist revenge thing being shoved down their throat now. Osama bin-Laden does not skate. We’ve got Tony Hawk.”

A new video game “Tony Hawk’s Green Zone” will be released to coincide with the opening of the park. Tony Hawk commented: “Imagine the first Iraqi kid to pop up over the lip of the half pipe and pull a 180 Ollie out and transition that into a front side grab before dropping back in on the pipe, his skate wheels gliding literally on the bones of those who sacrificed to provide him with this freedom…. The poetry of it gives me chills.”

The Skate park is just the beginning. With major players like MARRIOT HOTELS and MBI International, a conglomerate that focuses on hotels and resorts and is led by Saudi Sheikh Mohamed Bin Issa Al Jaber involved, real estate around the Green Zone is going up. Land that a few years ago was going for $60 a square meter on 50-year leases in the zone is now going for up to $1,000 a square meter, American officials say.

A Marriot spokesperson commented, “By 2020, Baghdad will be a destination like London, Paris, or New York. Many companies completely missed the investment opportunities in Dresden. Since then, places like Sarajevo and Beirut that have rebounded and earned big paydays for early investors. We are getting in on the ground floor of this investment opportunity. We owe this to our shareholders.”

AP REPORTS CONTRIBUTED TO THIS STORY

In other news, The Atlanta Hawks, ceding to warnings from Gen. David Petraeus, finally backed down and allowed the Boston Celtics to advance to the second round of the NBA playoffs.

The CnB is new… help spread the word. Hit that little mail icon below spread the Cock and Bull to your friends.

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SPIN ROOM- GEN. PETRAEUS TELLS HAWKS TO BACK OFF

By Dennis Trainor, Jr.

Confirming behind the scenes maneuvering that was first reported right here in the SPIN ROOM, Gen. David Petraeus held a joint press conference with NBA commissioner David Stern early Tuesday morning. Phil Jackson, coach of the LA Lakers joined the press conference via satellite hookup.

Petraeus, a runner up for the 2007 Time Person of the Year Award is taking unusual public steps to insure that he wins the coveted award in 2008. Responding to last night’s surprising win by the Atlanta Hawks, which evened the opening round playoff series with the heavily favored Boston Celtics at 2 games a piece, Petraeus called the underdog Atlanta Hawks grit, determination, and hustle “unpatriotic” and hinted that the Justice Department would soon get involved. As reported here first, recent nationwide polls show that concern over what two teams would reach the NBA FINALS this year have shot up to #2 among issues that American Voters care about the most.

In the same survey, concern over the Iraq war has fallen to #24, lagging well behind issue such as the economy (#1), American Idol judging improprieties (#4), and the appearance of their lawns (#9).

Petraeus explained his concern: “ The bottom line is, the United States will not be able to wait much longer before we need to engage with Iran militarily. We should not kid ourselves about this. A Boston Celtics matchup with the Los Angeles Lakers in the NBA finals is essential to our military strategy. The American population is like a sick patient who has suffered one to many operations. We need to put them (American Voters) under the knife again, metaphorically speaking. The entertainment value, combined with the nostalgia for a pre 9/11 America- a Larry Bird/ Magic Johnson America- is just what the doctor ordered (again, I’m speaking metaphorically) in advance of our tentatively scheduled late summer anti-Iranian propaganda campaign and subsequent invasion.” “I have spoken to the officials, and I can tell you now, the Boston Celtics will make it through to the second round.” NBA commissioner David Stern said.

The Los Angles Lakers are doing their part for America, having swept the Denver Nuggets in the first round. Lakers coach Phil Jackson, known inside the NBA, as the “Zen Master” seemed to think that Gen. Petraeus could use his “triangle offense” against Iran. “Ride your horse along the edge of a sword,” Jackson advised, “hide yourself in the middle of flames.” Gen. Petraeus, for his part, was not dismissing the idea. “You know, unlike Iraq, Iran actually has the firepower to defend itself. Just as the NBA playoffs get tougher each round, so will America’s challenges as we continue on our goal acquiring unfettered access to the worlds Oil resources and while protecting the holy land.”

In a related story, Reverend Jeremiah Wright accused former Los Angeles Laker star, Erwin “Magic” Johnson, of being a CIA operative who willfully and secretly spread AIDS in the African American community in the 1980s.

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Tha Florence Joe Diaries: Ah Ain't Never Shoppin' At Wal-Mart No More!

Mah name's Florence Joe, but ya'll can call me Flo Joe. Ah's been hearin' 'bout this here Cocks an' Bull site all o'er town. Iffin' ya knew me, ya'd know ah likes ma cocks enough ta put up wit' tha bull. Ah's jes' a reg'lar woman. Ah work a' Hooters an' ah go ta church on Sunday. So, ah's gonna share ma diary wit' ya'll, but this here's ma privates, so don' go blabberin' on an' on all 'bout it, k? Ah wrote this here on Sunday on a paper plate from ma cell, but ah couldn't post nuthin' here 'til t'day on account a Reverend Dean didn't bail me outta jail 'til late las' night an' ah 'jes got o'er here ta tha Waffle House where they gots they's internet turnedt on all fancy-like.

T'day started out a normal day, far as ah could tell. After church we went wit' Fred Ricky to tha Wal-Mart ta get Avery Ron she's Happy Meal an' Huggies an' me mah new 'kini, not ta mention Ray Jean needed some feminine products fer she's woman time. Fred Ricky was 'tendin' ta get he's shotgun shells outta lay-away. He's been drivin' aroun' wit' he's shotgun in he's gunrack on he's pick-up empty fer three months now. It's a good thing Carl Wayne didn't hear tell a tha'.

As soon as we stepped inta tha store, I was regrettin' we didn't go on o'er ta Target this time. Tha' stuck up bitch, Shirlene, was givin' me tha nasty-eye fer wha' happenedt las' year. Ah did useta work there, ya know an' me an' tha manager, Hal, had we's fling an' Shirlene was jealous. She shouldn'ta had his baby iffin' she didn't wanna stay home on Friday nights. Ah knowed she was really jes' bitter tha' Hal picked me to be tha store's representative fer tha' Wal-Mart Playboy contest corporate was runnin'. It ain't mah fault she was fat from she's baby still.

Anyway, e'er since ah been workin' o'er at Hooters, Shirlene's been goin' to Reverend Dean 'hind ma back tellin' him he should preach tha evils a Hooters in he's sermon; ah was jes' 'bout ready ta set that bitch in she's place when ah noticed Avery Ron was lookin' blue on account a she's chokin' on she's Happy Meal toy. Fuck, ah was scaredt and was screamin' fer someone ta call tha police when Hal run up an' did tha' there Heineken maneuver on she's belly an' out squirted she's Scooby Doo car. Ah was so happy ah gave him a big fat kiss an' that Shirlene hadta go takin' it in tha wrong way. Ah wasn't even feelin' like fightin' now after ma scare an' ah was ready ta go try on some 'kinis.

So, we left tha cosmetics area an went o'er ta tha shotgun shells an' 'kini corner a tha store and ah toldt Ray Jean ta take Avery Ron o'er ta play in tha toy aisle whiles me an' Fred Ricky went 'bout tha growed-up business a pickin' out ma 'kini. We sneaked Fred Ricky inta tha lady's dressin' room an' ah went an' pickedt me out some a tha latest styles ah likedt. There was an orange 'kini, which woulda been good 'cause ah could wear it ta work at Hooters too, but Fred Ricky said it clashed wit' ma tan, which ah have a good start on thanks ta tha' new tannin' salon tha' openedt up o'ver on Cedar Street.

Ah showedt Fred Ricky tha other styles ah likedt: one wit' polka dots, a white one tha' had a thong bottom, one wit' little cherries all over it that he kept tryin' ta eat 'em offa me and ma favorite, the one tha' made it look like ma titties was kitty-cat faces. 'Fore ah knew it, Fred Ricky's boner was in ma mouth an we was doin'it right there in tha dressin' room. It kinda reminded me a tha high school times when he was ma track coach an' we useta do it in them dressin' rooms.... After we was done, ah took off tha' kitty cat 'kini an' decided ta go wit' tha white one an' we went an' got tha girls ta come inta tha gun area wit' us. Fer a little while it was all sweet-like, like a family moment or somethin' when Shirlene hadta come up an' spoil it. She jes' hadta come tell me 'bout how she's gonna be tha centerfold Wal-Mart girl a Playboy this year; she e'en started ta show Fred Ricky how she was gonna position she's Wal-Mart smock all sexy-like when up walks Hal.

Now, it ain't fair tha' Hal hates Fred Ricky 'cause he's from Dallas too an' they have they's history, but he do, an he toldt Fred Ricky he was gonna hafta leave he's store and no he couldn't buy he's shells neither. Well, ah was madder than a skunk 'bout ta spray when alls of a sudden Shirlene has tha balls ta touch ma arm. Ah up an' socked she's face an' she got all upset, somethin' about sposin' ta take she's pictures t'day an' 'fore ah knew'd what was happenin', tha cops had me and Fred Ricky in they's handcuffs.

As they was draggin' us to they's car an' Avery Ron were hollerin' somethin' fierce, ah toldt Officer Pete and tha whole world, "Ah ain't never shoppin' at Wal-Mart no more!"

Guest Contributor: Robert Winters

Title Florid Revelation

By Robert Winters robertw@elrancholodge.com

In the future, everything will be state of the art for fifteen minutes, and those who can afford to rent a clue will be limited in their enjoyment of that luxury to that same magical duration - one quarter of an hour. Survival itself will become increasingly difficult, as people will only be in their prime for fifteen minutes before they are crowded out of the gravy bowl by teeming, upward surging, recently hyperbred replacements struggling for a glimmer of recognition, seething in their rampant millions for a chance to be gluttonous, or at least clever.

An important new theory posits that the modern curse of Total Sensory Overload (TSO) will pick up a parallel viral cousin and in tandem they will ravage the human psyche like an avenging sword forged of red hot coaxial cable - the cousin's name? Total Conceptual Overload (TCO). So many theories, so little time to digest them, as they bubble to the murky surface of the video saturated hive brain of the public, then slowly settle down into the silent sediment of slogans and aphorisms that once peppered the drivel-clogged airwaves and made some slight, tangential sense but have long since gone the way of all flesh.

People will wander, stumble, ramble in the waning glow of their own internal light, muttering tattered remnants of speech, once meaty, now gossamer- "Free market" "Intelligent design" "Shining City on a hill" "Stay the course" 'Greatest democracy in the world".

The continued uber-engorgement of our minds with ideas, concepts, implications, and assertions purported to be "real" or "true" can not go on indefinitely. The impending tipping point out of the canoe of banalityinto the whitewater Rubicon of cause and effect will make global warming look like a day at the beach.

Truth and reason themselves have been wrung out, exsanguinated, sucked dry and drained of any hope of pertaining ever again- at least in any language that exists today.

We can't go back. We can't stop.

The grim and undeniable eventuality is this. There will be a huge sorting, a
cull, a winnowing. The chaff will be cast off with indiscriminate and ruinous haste, entire peoples and populations will be extinguished (mentally and psychologically) in a blinding, instantaneous hellwind of explosive decompression. Left behind will be the docile
livestock of the rich we were always destined to become. Some few may have the
courage to acknowledge that we were hedonistically complicit in that tragic becoming.
And who will remain? What theory, what thought filter, what protocol of ideation can we employ to predict who will prevail and endure?

Dada Darwinism. The survival of the most surreal.Only this, nothing more.

The Cock and The Bull welcomes submissions. Please Read our guidelines first.

PROUST QUESTIONNAIRE: George W. Bush

Forty years after George Bush was head of the cheerleading squad at Phillips Andover, and almost seven years after jumpstarting the rhapsodic historical period described in the Book of Revelations, George Bush is coasting across the finish line of his second term with a grin on his face. Here, the forty-third President of the United States of America, with the wax imprint of his mark on history still undefined, talks about Skull and Bones, Executive Privilege, and the SAT test’s failure to measure multiple intelligences.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
One nation, under God. And let’s be real, ‘cuz I know this foreign policy stuff is a little frustratin’, but that’s one nation under a Christian God. Okay! I can finally admit that. It’s good vs. evil. Simple. Removing Muhammad was the right decision early in my presidency, it is the right decision now, and it will be the right decision ever.
What is your greatest fear?
Fear itself. (laughs) That was a joke, lighten up. Public Speaking. I share that with the plurality of peoples.
Which historical figure do you most identify with?

Martha Graham. She was an innovatress of the highest order. Completely reinvented choreography. She knew no rules, and was true to herself.
Which living person do you most admire? 

LeBron James. Who needs college?
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? 

They asked me this on my first job interview. I thought it was a trick question then, and think it is one now. My answer: I’m not telling!
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Ordering off the menu. I mean, the chef went to school, designed you a meal with care, and you are going start in with some baloney about an allergy to shallots?
What is your greatest extravagance? 

The Iraq War costs over $340 Million a day. Are all the questions on this test so easy? I think I have gotten all of these right.
What is your favorite journey? 

“Don’t Stop Believing.” Hands down. Time was, I took plenty of midnight trains going just anywhere.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue? 

I’ve always said that the SAT only tests one kind of intelligence, you know?
On what occasion do you lie?
Laura asks me from time to time, “Does my Ass look good in these jeans?” When your wife asks you that question, a true gentleman has only one answer.
What do you dislike most about your appearance?
You know, I actually look good in a flight suit. The Photoshop work done by our media department made me look like a character on Knots Landing.
Which living person do you most despise?
Is Norman Mailer still alive? No? Okay then: Tina Fey.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
When history gets written, people will come to appreciate my expert use of the ellipses.
What is your greatest regret?
Christine Todd Whitman. Laura forgave me, but we don’t have Christmas parties in the West Wing any more.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Christine Todd Whitman.
Which talent would you most like to have?
I only have one wish left from the Genie in the lamp. I’d like to refinance that deal.
What is your current state of mind?
Sanguitious.
If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
Disclosure of this information would interfere with the operation of the executive branch.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Christine Todd Whitman.
If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
Shouldn’t that question read …” person, PLACE or thing?” Sheesh who edits these things?
If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
Fidel Castro.
What is your most treasured possession?
Executive Privilege. I’m invoking it, not indicating that I hold that as my most treasured possession.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Do you know how people live in the 9th Ward? Again, when history gets written, people will understand the mercy mission I was on. We should have let New Orleans go.
Where would you like to live?
In the most exclusive gated community of all: a small little cul de sac at the right hand of the Father.
What is your favorite occupation?
I’m on this sub- committee in Skull and Bones called “The World Map in 2150: Fewer Countries, Fewer Boundaries, Fewer Leaders.” The guys on that committee are a hoot!
What is your most marked characteristic?
Resoluthfulnision.
What is the quality you most like in a man?
Hitting the high notes and still getting the girl. I’m thinking of Steven Perry.
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
I’m an ass man myself.
What do you most value in your friends?
People with a clear sense of … a clear raison detrius.
Who are your favorite writers?
Norman Mailer and Tina Fey.
Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Rocky Balboa.
Who are your heroes in real life?
Sylvester Stallone. Dr. Stranglove. Tanya Harding.
What are your favorite names?
If I have grandsons they will be named Tony and Blair.
What is it that you most dislike?
Fine print.
How would you like to die?
Et tu, Proust questionnaire? Et tu?
What is your motto?
Don’t get fooled again.

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GUEST Contributor: KEVINTHOUSANDDOLLARS

SHE'S ON IT

written by Kevinthousanddollars of THE SONG CHRONICLES

It was right before License to Ill was released. I knew the name “The Beastie Boys” because they were ex-hardcore people and everyone was talking about them being the greatest thing since Lee Jeans. I didn’t know the music though until my brother came home with the “She’s On It” single that proceeded License to Ill. Being more hip than I could ever hope to be, he played it incessantly, drilling that song into my skull. I thought they were funny, stupid, and right up my alley. It was the days of metal, hardcore, rap and punk fusing together into entirely new genres. Metal bands were playing punk. Hardcore kids were playing metal. Or Rap. Allegiances were being broken and boundaries were being crossed. And once I bought the Anthrax poster at the flea market, where Scott Ian wears a Beastie Boy t-shirts on stage, I decided I was a full-fledged Beasties fan.

So when my brother and our friend, Jason, aka Dirt, asked me if I wanted to see The Beasties with them at Nassau Community College, I could barely disguise my excitement. Of course, I would go. Murphy’s Law was opening up as well and by this time, they were already hardcore legends. It was going to be my introduction into the world of live hip-hop and hardcore simultaneously. I was like a zit ready to burst.

There’s just one thing, Jason said. It’s the same night as David Lee Roth at the Nassau Coliseum.

Oh Shit.

I already bought a ticket for the DLR show and was planning to go with my friends, Vito and Mike. I never had a chance to see Van Halen live and I also loved the DLR solo record, Eat ‘em and Smile. Plus Steve Vai, guitar virtuoso, and Billy Sheehan, bass twirling maniac, were playing in Dave’s band. His cards were stacked and there was still a little bit of the hard rock bug in me to want to witness this extraordinary explosion in person. I decided to go see DLR over The Beasties.

As stated before, my brother and Jason were on top of things. They knew which was the real show to go to. They dropped me and my friends of at the Coliseum, while they went to see The Beasties and Murphy’s Law.

They picked us up afterwards and told us all about the video The Beasties were filming and how my brother threw his hat onstage and King Adrock picked it up and wore it for the rest of the night. Sure enough, about a year later, when the “Slow and Low” video came out, there was my brother’s hat in the middle of a crazy hip hop/hardcore onslaught that would go down in the musical history books. Meanwhile, that summer, License to Ill came out and that was all my brother played in the Light Blue Buick Regal he acquired from my mother. Within weeks, we knew every word on that record. I could still recite it in my sleep, if need be. And then eventually the record became #1, ricocheting The Beastie Boys into stardom.

What’s funny is, now that twenty years have passed, I still listen to that record and it still sounds fresh. The beats are dope and the rhymes are rockin’. I marvel at the creativity that went into its creation. It’s so colorful and playful in its conception, its lyrical approach, and its delivery. It’s also funny and danceable. And if anything, it’s a great reminder of what a creative nerve center New York City, particularly Greenwich Village, used to be. It’s hard to imagine, where skyscrapers now stand and rich kids from the Upper East Side now throw up on Friday nights, kids like the Beastie Boys were able to put together the musical equivalent of the tastiest alphabet soup you ever ate. Where Jackson Pollack and Andy Warhol earned their stripes, so did The Beasties Boys. And what’s even more incredible is they didn’t stop with that one album. They upped the ante, taking the genre into unexplored territories with Paul’s Boutique, working with The Dust Brothers, who would later make a name producing Beck and other 1990’s acts.

Still, it all started with three hardcore kids that wanted to sing rap and had the guts to do it. Thank the Lord they did. If they hadn’t, we would never have those immortal albums that are stamped into our consciousness forever. And thanks to my brother for drilling “She’s On It” into my skull. If he hadn’t, I’d be writing about David Lee Roth’s “Yankee Rose” right now.